some thoughts on spacetimemattering…
“How unfathomable is the task of taking account not only of mattering but of its inseparability
from the void, including the infinite abundance that inhabits and surrounds all being?”
–Karen Barad, On Touching—The Inhuman That Therefore I Am
“In the course of the last millennium, planting obviously became more technical, because the
theoretical distance to it increased. Planting is done mechanically, fertilizing chemically,
alteration of plants biologically, and the rhythm of ripening (waiting) is controlled artificially”
–Vilém Flusser, The Gesture of Planting
“The only way I think is imagining having conversations with friends”
–Laura Henriksen, week 4 of the Friends & Lovers Feminist Reading Group
anna’s been encouraging me to get on twitter she has an anonymous “diary” account where
she posts whatever; confessions bad jokes hopes of exes dying in car crashes… anna says it
feels good to put those thoughts out there wherever there is
i’ve been looking for a psychiatrist online one site takes my insurance info then instantly
connects me to a number of licensed professionals in my area the process is as easy as
anything else on the internet & save for the thumbnails virtually indistinct
ashanti dreams my mother & i pick her up
from work in a bright pink suv
though she’s
never met
my mother before
cori uses an app to track messages from the stars; jokes, how else will she know what to do?
anna has two followers one is her roommate, asprey when asprey likes a tweet, i watch anna
thank her in person her other follower is a corporate account whose bio reads “Best Vape
Website in the [globe emoji]”
i pick a doctor whose office is a 10-minute bike ride away an appointment is made with a
resident operating out of her practice & not with the doctor, herself the nice lady
whose picture i clicked on
today, cori’s phone suggests she practice holding onto 2 opposing ideas advises she “claim
[her] place in the void” & attaches a grainy black-and-white photo of what looks to me
like a tower some sort of spire…
while filling out paperwork in the lobby, i grow uneasy overhearing another patient schedule a
test for his adhd to prove he really has it one form asks i agree to take a mandatory drug test
every month, before each session silently, i leave the clipboard on my chair
the planets say i should quit smoking they send photos of a spider the profile of a topless
woman touching her toes & one of a bruised pear the skin of which is not unlike the
surface of the moon
i text ashanti what does your subconscious
think my mom looks like ?
the moon highlights parts of my horoscope similar to cori’s it grants me subtle access into
the folds of her day her slight starry mechanics it all seems a little invasive, honestly
a friend refers me to her own psychiatrist i leave a message with my name & number & over a
week later, i get a call back unfortunately, this practice is not taking on new patients at this
time in turn, they give me two new referrals one doctor is a balding man who specializes in
child psychiatry & has a creepy headshot the other’s in midtown
i dream i’m staying in a house filled with people my age
(though no one i know)
the cops come & arrest everybody but i escape
because the officer watching the back is busy
nursing a baby
like cori, i’m informed, “restlessness will always accompany [my] attempts to be present” like
her, i “serve others as a way to avoid true vulnerability” picture of a walnut picture of a
sharp gem picture of a cactus of a feather of a different feather picture of a halved
pomegranate its color soaked out
i leave a message for the doctor in midtown that same day, someone from her office gets back
to me unfortunately, this practice does not accept insurance
by the time the cop spies me drifting
& safely returns the infant to her crib
i’ve made a break for the beach, it’s a beach house
(i don’t know where
the money’s coming from)
