2011

JANUARY

I drank absinthe until Corey looked like a mermaid and I wondered why we had never touched.

FEBRUARY

The flash of my camera hurt so many of my loved ones eyes and still I kept taking pictures.

MARCH

I watched Matt play a tiny piano for Celeste. They were so in love and I couldn’t get this man with a bashed-in face to kiss me.

APRIL

Eileen and I got lost coming home after seeing half a movie together because we were late and I have to admit I was glad we had the extra time alone together. I wonder if she thought it was planned.

MAY

I went home to Texas and John and I wrote each other letters. I took a picture of my childhood record player for him and he called it “mag-nan-i-mous.”

JUNE

I went on so many dates: Jun came and saw me DJ, I tried to make myself look beautiful for John, Narin came and saw me DJ, Galen hid his mouth while he ate—I hated the Buster Keaton film I saw because I saw it alone.

JULY

My car broke down on the 405. Luckily, I looked pretty that day and lots of people stopped to ask me if I needed help and I sent each one of them away.

AUGUST

Earl died. I watched her die for months before I watched her die in just a second. Her heart was so weak, that that’s all it took—a second.

SEPTEMBER

I started sleeping with Trevor and ran away to Texas. Our second date felt like everything I had ever wanted, which is why we should have stopped it right there.

OCTOBER

My students made some of their best work and I started to make the decision to leave them.

NOVEMBER

On Thanksgiving, I met family I never knew I had, wrote a short story about parting ways with Los Angeles, spoke to a tarot card reader who whispered because her child had just fallen asleep, went to a party at Corey’s where he wanted me to stay even though he loved somebody else.

DECEMBER

I drove two hours to befriend this guy I had wanted to talk to for about nine years. He asked me what I was doing later and I said I was driving home.